This is a tricky little word. To some it takes years to gain and seconds to destroy. Others, it takes seconds to gain and years to destroy. Depending on the person. I trust everyone until they are given a reason not to trust.
Trust goes the same in any type of relationship. (Friendship, family, significant other)
Lets talk about significant others. (Sort of hashing back on jealousy)
If you are dating someone, a few key points. Don't hide your phone. Don't take calls away from that person. Don't stress, "they're only a friend"...
Yeah, it doesn't work. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, SHOW your significant other the text messages. Let them listen in on the phone conversation. If you have to use the stress phrase, end it with something platonic. "They're only a friend, I've known them for X amount of years. Anything less than a courtship, is not a friendship. Sorry. I'm not going to invite someone into my life after a month and call them my best friend. When you do that, your partner thinks that you'll go running to anyone for companionship.
Never give a person a reason to distrust you. I don't care how much and madly in love the two of you are, if there is doubt, they'll start questioning your motives. Now, they say if there is doubt run. Everyone has doubt. Soldiers who are overseas has to have trust. Normal business people going out of town for business. You have to be the one to console reassurance into your partner. If they don't get that from you, they will find it on the shoulder that is soaking their tears.
The phrase, a real boyfriend will say, "Can you answer that baby." A cheater (I'll discuss that later on) will have their locked and not even allow you to breathe on it. They'll get anxious if you even so much pass by the phone on your way to the bathroom. (Don't believe me, try it)
Here are some hints and tips.
If another person of the opposite gender is telling them they love them. (Make sure it's not a family member) Once you confirm it's not a family member, are they saying it back? Are they ignoring them, when they do say that? Are they bringing you up?
I had a husband to where this girl called me, "How's your lady friend?" She would never refer to me as his wife. I got upset. I believe I had every right to get upset. He however, did tell her to stop. He stopped talking to her for me. What a great husband. (Remind you, he's not my ex - because of the following)
Later on, we had a fight, and he went to another girl to talk to. He lied. She belittled me. Sorry, nine kids all by different guys, and on welfare, you have no right to speak about relationship advice. He talked to other people about us, instead of to me, about us.
Communication is IMPORTANT. (I'll address communication in detail later)
If you're not speaking to your significant other about your problems, or if you notice they're talking to others and NOT to you. Throw your running shoes on and run as fast as you can.
Now, with that in mind, you're just as guilty as they are. You talk to your friends. But, if you don't talk to them first, you have no right to tell your friends. It's none of their business. I'm not going to say it's wrong to talk to your friends about certain things. Sometimes we all need a reality check. Maybe we're making something out of nothing and your friends put you into check, helping ease a fight (or disagreement) even before it begins. I'm not you, use your judgement.
Relationships (I'll go into more detail about that later) your friends, is like the jury. You're the prosecutor. Once a bad thought about your significant other is planted in their heads, any time everyone gets together as a group, they'll be more resistant into allowing them into conversations or taking them seriously. They won't bad mouth you, but they will look at them differently.
Again, respect and trust are two different things. You have to trust the right people to spill your relationship woes to. Yes, single people give the best advice. But that's not ALWAYS the case. You have to know why they are single. If they can't hold a relationship for a long period of time - how do they know what to do. If someone has been through a couple of marriages, you have to know why the marriages failed. If they learned what they had done wrong, or where it had gone wrong, and they are aware, then it's safe to say their opinion has more weight than the one who is single and hasn't had a successful relationship.
Back to the main issue at hand. Now, depending on the length of the relationship.
Early on - Show them texts, let them listen to conversations, or voicemails.
Going into the serious stage, where the L word is used, exchanged passwords.
Going long term and serious to where there is a ring, or talk about moving in, let them answer emails or texts for you.
Engaged/married - everyone by this stage will know who's responding back.
Why? Lets face it, I don't care who you are, an important date is coming up. (I'm not talking anniversary) One will remember it over the other. Or one will question about plans or whatever the case may be. (Fill in the blanks)
Trust is a huge factor. If you hinder any of the following, it's putting doubt into their head. For most people, doubt turns into jealousy, (while it may be cute and all), they'll go crying onto someone else's shoulders and do you think that person wants what's best for you? No. They want to be with the person you "say" you want to be with so much. They'll do the things you didn't and goodbye relationship.
If for whatever reason you have to change your password, tell your significant other. And no, it's not saying they don't have trust in you, if you refuse to allow them to "check" your things. It's telling them that you have something to hide.It's curiosity. It's normal. It makes the brain start to think. Thinking isn't always a good thing and you just can't shut it off. It's what we call the potato chip disease. Once you have one, you have to have more. The same thing applies with trust. If they know you don't have anything to hide, they'll take your word over you having to prove your word.
If you have friends of the opposite sex. Never and I mean never hang out with them, until your partner has met them. I mean come on. "My boyfriend is hanging out with his best friend (which happens to be a girl) that her or him or both, had dated before, had feelings for before, one like other..."
You may trust them, but how well do you trust their "friend"? What if your partner happens to complain about something (unintentional) and they see their chance, (knowing they had lost it since they started dating you), to break the two of you up? They WILL take whatever opportunity they can. There is no ifs ans or butts. They will be that shoulder to cry on. They will be that ear to listen. They will be the arms to comfort.
Some of you can deny that all you like. But remember, it's not about what you see, it's about what your partner sees (or will see). Again, never ever and no it's never okay to use the phrase, "We're only friends." If your partner was friends with (insert their favorite actor/actress), do you think they wouldn't jump at the chance to be with them, if they showed the slightest, remotest, interest? That's how the other party sees it.
Oh, my favorite phrase, "They've been there for me in the past..."
Sorry, but that's nice. If you haven't heard from them and they make excuse after excuse as to not meet your partner. Where were they days/weeks/months ago? They pop up when you start dating or things become serious? There are lots of people that were in your past. It doesn't mean they deserve a spot in your future.
Look for the tell tale signs.
How often are they "there" for you? Is when they're convenient for them? There's a word(s) for that. User, abuser, and insert whatever ones you want.
When did they come back into your life? When you began dating your new partner? No word to be heard from them, until things got serious?
What excuses are they making for not meeting your partner? Sorry, I don't buy the ones who are: too busy, too sick, working too much, whatever, insert an excuse. (I could write a 1500 page book on excuses). They aren't *too* busy 24/7. They aren't working that entire time. If they would rather spend time with other people (their partners or not) than to take five minutes to meet their "best friends" new partner, sorry, that's lame. If they are constantly "sick". Sorry. If they have time to text message your partner, be online, hang out with their other friends, they aren't that "sick".
Now, ask yourself. Did you meet your partner's friends? Did they make time out of their busy lives to see their friends? Now, ask yourself this - how often did you see your partners friends out of the last month? Was it more often than you saw yours? How did they meet? Did they make time to get together? It could have been as simple as stopping into their work to say hi. Or meeting up for coffee.
Five minutes to put your partner's trust at ease, is that worth it than to make excuses for your friends and create hours if not days of tension? Me, personally - I don't make time for those who don't make time for me. Now, you will be the bad person when you want to take your partner and do something, just the two of you. Because their friends will be free.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, there is such a thing called double dating. I know it's old school and all. But it's where two couples go on the same date together.
Don't get made your partner when they want to hang out with their friends who had made time for you. Don't throw the excuse, "Well, my friends were free but you would rather of done this..." Sorry, but fuck yeah! Why do I have to alter my schedule. I don't live for anyone else. And if you do, sorry, move on.
Going back to the friends. They know when your partner is working and can't be there and "has an emergency". What are you going to do? Go to their beckon call? Did you know that most "emergencies" are when that person knows you won't be with your partner and will try to hinder what you have?
These are "Tactics 101".
If you are a real partner, you would decline until your partner could be there to assist.
Oh, and don't play sneaky. Most people won't tolerate it. If the "friend" can't drive, don't pick them up and surprise your partner with a greeting. Because for one, you were talking to them behind their back. Two, you were ALONE with them. (Fine, throw trust into there.) But weren't you the one who BROKE that TRUST when you didn't inform your partner of what was going on?
Meet in a public place to where all parties have their own transportation. If your partner says, "I don't like them." Don't throw the phrase, "You two have a lot in common." Bitch, please. No we don't. Ask something like, "why?" or "what makes you feel that way?" It shows you care about their feelings. If someone doesn't like someone, it's usually for a good reason. Yes, they may see them as a threat. Okay, maybe a few meetings it might take - I'm using that word strong, MIGHT take, a while for your partner to see that they are not a threat. But don't start inviting them over without checking with your partner first.
Most importantly, put yourself in their position. How would you feel? If you would get mad, upset, jealous, not like it, why is wrong that they feel the way that they do?
