It's hard to imagine that a servicemember can be there to support his soldiers, but leave his family behind without a second thought.
Sadly, that's the case in many events. Out of all the ones I interviewed, there was one that stuck out.
A soldier named, Christopher Allen Boehne, was married and had a beautiful baby boy. But, he didn't care. He left his wife. His left his beautiful son before he was a year old. And never saw them again. He never wrote. He never sent an email. He never did anything. He walked away and never looked back. The story of so many others, service related and not service related.
He has a restraining order against the mother of his son. She is not allowed to contact him at all, even regarding the most important issue of their lives. Their son.
Many questions spewed from my mouth, and as soon as I asked them, I felt horrible.
Does he even care?
Does he even want to know how his son is doing?
Does he even know what his son looks like?
Does he even know what his son is like?
Do you know where he lives?
Does his son ask about him?
And the answer, without her even saying a thing, is the answer is no. The second to last one was, yes, the answer, no. But that's because he has refused to keep in touch. The last time she had to contact him, (many years ago) was to have him sign a form for their son to continue receiving medical benefit, and even then, he threatened her with jail about the restraining order. Can you believe that? He threatened the mother of his child, just because he refused to sign a medical card for his own child? So she had to go through a lawyer. What type of "man" is that?
His son asks all the time about him. I give this woman a lot of credit. She never once bad mouthed him. All she repeats is that, "mommy and daddy couldn't live together any more." It broke my heart when the little boy, Matthew, asked, "Does daddy love me?" And all she responded with, "I'm sure he does, but you'll have to ask him." He asked, "Has he asked about me at all?" With a heavy heart, she replied, "no." To do it with such grace, and honesty, broke my heart. This little boy asked every single hard question a mother in her position knew at some say she would have to face. And she handled it with such grace. That little boy knew the painful truth.
So, about this soldier, he left without looking back, because the military was not a life for a family. Within 6 months of their divorce, he got remarried and to date, he has two sons. He's over $25k behind in child support. Why? The initial state that held the child support order, he went years without paying child support. When he moved to another state, he went without paying child support. When he moved to the next state, again, he stopped paying child support.
His family, his friends, and who ever else all believe he's a hero and a great father. A hero is someone who takes care of their child, no matter what. Not belittles and makes fun of their child's mother. Oh, and I actually laughed when I saw this, his wife posted online, "just sit back and watch at how dumb ex wives can be." Wow?! Really?!
Mr. Boehne's brother, Steve, has not once reached out. Mr. Boehne's parents, have lied, and gone behind the mother's back every chance they get. I read the court documents. I'll be honest, at first I had a hard time believing another human being could be that mean. After going through hundreds of paperwork, filed by the grandparents, I couldn't believe so-called grandparents would even do that! But they did! Week after week after week after week after, well you get the point. They even tried to force the mother to move back to Illinois. What kind of grandparents tried to force another person to do something they don't want to do? After the divorce even the grandparents stopped communicating.
Not even a birthday card. Nothing. All this family cared about was control. After they lost control, they wanted nothing to do with their grandchild.
The little boy is so talented, smart, sweet, well-mannered, and just the most adorable little boy you could ever meet. I would never say this, but Mr. Boehne staying out of his first child's life, is the best thing he could have ever of done.
This guy has never once paid half (even a penny) toward any daycare. Any extra circular activities. Has not paid a penny toward any medical. I guess it's pretty hard to pay anything toward your own child, when you walk away, and turned your back on your own family.
There is so much to this story. The fact a family can walk away, their son creates a new one, and they forget and completely disown their first grandchild, is what makes this story so sad.
Stay tuned for the rest of the details. This will tug at everyone's heart. The only thing, is I have a hard time writing it all out in one sitting without crying, myself.
Lilibeth Muscato
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Ex (we all have one)
Admit it, we all have one. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have gone through so many and not have like so many have had.
You know, the ones that stalk the crap outta you and won't leave you alone? I never had an ex like that before. Once our relationship was done, so was everything else. Now, a few after several passing years, we became friends, again. But not very often did that happen.
My ex takes the cake. I'v been married twice before and both times divorced, a reject from down under in between the two marriages, (not to count all the rejects before my first husband), and my current ex takes the cake of being worse than all of them put together. Now, you're thinking, well then they weren't that bad. *Laughs* Oh, yeah! They were! Ask anyone who knows me, they've met a few of them and they'll tell you, the last one made the others look like Angels. (literally)
Lets back up to when we were together. (remind you, he's 30+ years old, NEVER lived out on his own and no kids) I'll go into deeper explanation later...
Over the age of 30 and still lived at home.
Didn't find out until later that his car was his sister's. (Because I did most of the driving)
Constantly bragging (and not in a good way) about his ex.
[Okay, that's was the middle now onto the end of the relationship]
Took me on one date.
I run two businesses. He said, "Aren't you going to get at least a part time job?"
On more than one occasion said, "You have to sleep at night."
And this, "When do you see your kid?"
And this, "You're not a responsible parent."
And this, "You're parenting wrong."
And this, "Your son doesn't listen."
And this, "You're lazy. You don't do anything."
And this, "All you do is complain."
And this, "It's in the past, (referring to my son's biological father), get over it."
This is what he said to my friends, "She's a selfish bitch. She's living off her kid's child support."
And this, "She lied about everything. Now, (points to my friend) you're a great parent."
And this, "She's always on her phone."
And this, "She's living off welfare."
And this, "She doesn't really own a publishing company."
And this, "My ex always wanted to go out and spend money on her." (first meeting to my friends, he complains about his ex)
And this, "That's all she ever asked for (money). Her financials should have been a red flag."
And this, "She's nothing but drama."
Okay, you get the drift. If you know a writer, or are a writer yourself, you know the hours put into writing a book. Well, then throw in running a publishing company and a subsidiary company. Congrats, you have my life - mixed in with being a single parent.
So, my day, (not getting any or barely any sleep from the night before - because getting caught up), spend the day with my kid/attempt to get a couple of hours of work in. After dinner, spend it with the boyfriend. Go home and work on the things that I didn't get finished from the night before. - That's my day.
He was good the first meeting. The second meeting, it was ALWAYS about his ex. I actually said, "I'm not her! Quit comparing me to her!"
I don't receive any type of child support for my child. So living off $0, hey! I'm rich! Because of my private insurance rates increasing from like $49 a month to $450 a month, (for two doctor visits a year), to monitor my asthma I went on medicaid. (And my monthly prescription went from $15 to $150 a month) Sorry, if you think that's welfare. If you do, then I was on welfare. I didn't receive a check from the state. I didn't receive anything except for my meds to be paid for.
He wanted me to get at least a part time job, complained about me not sleeping, - all for what?
When do I see my kid? Uh, during the day and I go out after he's asleep. (No, I don't leave him at home alone. Grandma and Grandpa is only down the street so he stays there when I go out.)
Nothing and I do mean nothing was ever good enough for him. Telling me how to parent. Telling me how to live. Telling me how to live my life. It just got worse and worse and worse. (Stupid me, I was in "love") He takes me on ONE date during the course of our ENTIRE relationship. To a concert. And, he'll say it wasn't a date. I say it was. But, all the other times we were together, we went for walks and talked. Okay, whatever, I'm not hard to please. But, don't say you're wasting money on me when, *cough* *cough* I always had to drive to your "parents" house to hang out with you.
I might add, during the course of our relationship, I spent more time with his family than he had with mine. (Spoiler alert - He cursed me out saying he spent time with them. I asked him what my brother's name was. He couldn't answer. I asked him what my parents names were. He couldn't answer.)
So, one day he breaks up with me via text. Okay, he could have been a man and at least called me since I was out of town. Guess who's shoulder he goes to lean on? His "best friend" and my "best friend". He listened to a bunch of rumors from some "friends" (who are no longer my friends), and began to blab to my friends. (But didn't do the grownup/responsible thing and come to me). Hence where the, "she lives off her kid's child support". Came from. Oh! And the fact that I had to give the house back to my ex-husband, I had to move in with my parents for a short period of time. He added, "And she moved back in with her parents. She can't even find a place of her own."
(Isn't it amazing everything you see "after" the fact?)
Here's a little turn table. He ran his own business. When he would fall short on cash, he would borrow from his family.
And, yes, it keeps getting better. "Your finances should have been a sign of how much trouble you're in. Your credit is shot." I laughed! I needed a new car. So what did I do? I drove to the dealership I have a good report with, (long story short), Signed on a brand new car, no money down. Him? He needed a new car. Couldn't get approved. He needed a co-signer. Even on a $5k car, he needed to put money down. Explain to me a score of 750 my credit is shot? Explain to me how I walked in, no money down, signed, and drove off the lot in a brand new $25k car?
I might add, an unexpected expense came in for the month. (It was a blessing at the same time, but didn't think I needed the extra cash right away) I sold my oldest laptop. (To the same dumbass friend who was spreading lies about me) I didn't know it at that time. Another long story short, my boyfriend gives my friend the money. (Behind my back after I told him to stay out of it) My dumbass friend moved away and didn't pay him back. He calls me the user. (If I'm missing something, please let me know) He hasn't returned my jewelry. I've asked for it back, oh, and I'm mentioning this because well, those who have been there, will know. I asked for it back, never got it back. Actually I was told, "get it yourself" from my friends. (Because I'm still out of town) I also get told, "Get it when you get back." Uh, isn't that prolonging the drama? I don't think so. So as far as I'm concerned, I made the last payment on the jewelry months after we were broken up. I know I ain't gonna get my shit back, so now he can't say I took anything from him. (Even though I don't believe I had in the beginning, but oh, well)
I lost my grandmother and not once did he ever say, "go visit her." (She was sick during the time we were together) Never once did he offer to be there for me. Never once did he do anything to show his support. That was until the day she passed away. I couldn't be there for her wake or funeral. So, I vented on facebook. He cursed me out for swearing. I put a post up, "RIP Grandma. Today is not the day to fuck with me." And he comes back with saying to watch my language because his family was on my friends list.
Okay, so we're broken up, and he's blocked me. He goes to all my friends and starts bad mouthing me. The one he was telling was "such a great mother" to, she said, everything you're accusing her of doing, that's me. My friends were pissed that he was talking shit about the privates of our relationship. (At a wake none-the-less) During this time, he was checking out another friend. (who was taken)
He expected me to come crawling back after he treated me the way he did and said all that shit about me. Yeah, nah. Wasn't going to happen. While he had me blocked, I went on with my life. I was finally getting caught up with work. (I couldn't before because if I didn't respond back right away, he accused me of cheating on him)
Well....yup, you guessed it. He unblocked me and we talked. We were "together" without the title. He didn't want anyone knowing he was back with me. (I was just seeing how long it was going to last for) We weren't together but he talked like we were. I told him to stop. We're either together, or we're not. I'm going going to be your dirty little secret. The belittlement got a hell of a lot worse. Constantly bringing up the past. Constantly telling me how bad of a mother I was. Oh, and he said, (brace yourself ladies) "It's impossible to have a miscarriage." Constantly talked about his ex. I was like dude, the future, I'm talking about the future, why are you bringing up the past? It's done, it's over with, move on.
I had to listen to it from my friends. He wouldn't let anything drop! He was beating a dead horse that had already turned into a skeleton. One night, he wouldn't give up. I had, had enough. I blocked him, in every format imaginable.
I'm not going to lie. For a few days afterwards, I wanted to apologize for other reacting. But, I didn't. I had too much pride and self respect. (Yes, I know for "love" you swallow your pride) But, to be mentally abused on a daily basis? Nah, sorry, I walk away from it. (I'm not even going to go into the lies he told his family - it's another book in the works) Any time my friends would mention him (because he was talking to them) I told them I didn't want to hear it. Or I laughed with them. I never asked how he was doing and I never initiated the conversation about him.
So the hours turned into days. The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. Each day I got stronger and valued myself more than the day before. With him out of my life, I was able to see clearly. I accomplished six months of work in a month without being distracted from him. I have never had so much self-respect for myself as I do right now. They stopped mentioning him to me and I never brought him up.
To this day, he's still bad mouthing me. Though, he'll never deny when someone says, "you love her." The funny part, I unblocked him, and he goes and blocks me. HA! Yes, I lost a few friends during this. But I'm not sad. I've learned. I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. That is the best lesson I can learn and I'm not walking away from it.
So, the worst relationship of my life, was the hardest lesson to learn. But I didn't walk away with nothing. Sure, I lost my jewelry. I lost time away from friends and family. But, I learned so much more. I learned to know when to say, enough is enough, and walk away. I learned that no matter how much you prove yourself's worth to someone, they'll never see it. I've learned that no matter what you give up, it'll never be enough. I've learned that during your trying times, you realize who will be there for you.
What was the real eye opener to make me stronger? I suffered from depression (a strong case of it) and turned to people I trusted. (Those I trusted, weren't there for me) I really sat back to think. You know, you get the times of you wished you were with the guy before? Well, it dawned on me. He wouldn't have been there for me. He was never there any other time I needed him before. With something as severe as depression, I knew the horrible things he would have said. And that was when I realized I was glad that I never picked up that phone to call/text him. He would have made things not only worse, but he would have held them over my head.
So, I vowed, to who ever the next lucky bastard would be, I raised the bar so high, I can't even touch it. And, I'm keeping it there. I also learned what happens when I lower my standards. That ain't ever gonna happen again!
Oh, and yes, I did leave out of what he did. (again, saving that for a future book) Hey! He's the one that said, "I hope you're going to write a book about us." And, yes, I sure the Hell am! I swear, a lot of the stuff I write about, I can't make up.
You know, the ones that stalk the crap outta you and won't leave you alone? I never had an ex like that before. Once our relationship was done, so was everything else. Now, a few after several passing years, we became friends, again. But not very often did that happen.
My ex takes the cake. I'v been married twice before and both times divorced, a reject from down under in between the two marriages, (not to count all the rejects before my first husband), and my current ex takes the cake of being worse than all of them put together. Now, you're thinking, well then they weren't that bad. *Laughs* Oh, yeah! They were! Ask anyone who knows me, they've met a few of them and they'll tell you, the last one made the others look like Angels. (literally)
Lets back up to when we were together. (remind you, he's 30+ years old, NEVER lived out on his own and no kids) I'll go into deeper explanation later...
Over the age of 30 and still lived at home.
Didn't find out until later that his car was his sister's. (Because I did most of the driving)
Constantly bragging (and not in a good way) about his ex.
[Okay, that's was the middle now onto the end of the relationship]
Took me on one date.
I run two businesses. He said, "Aren't you going to get at least a part time job?"
On more than one occasion said, "You have to sleep at night."
And this, "When do you see your kid?"
And this, "You're not a responsible parent."
And this, "You're parenting wrong."
And this, "Your son doesn't listen."
And this, "You're lazy. You don't do anything."
And this, "All you do is complain."
And this, "It's in the past, (referring to my son's biological father), get over it."
This is what he said to my friends, "She's a selfish bitch. She's living off her kid's child support."
And this, "She lied about everything. Now, (points to my friend) you're a great parent."
And this, "She's always on her phone."
And this, "She's living off welfare."
And this, "She doesn't really own a publishing company."
And this, "My ex always wanted to go out and spend money on her." (first meeting to my friends, he complains about his ex)
And this, "That's all she ever asked for (money). Her financials should have been a red flag."
And this, "She's nothing but drama."
Okay, you get the drift. If you know a writer, or are a writer yourself, you know the hours put into writing a book. Well, then throw in running a publishing company and a subsidiary company. Congrats, you have my life - mixed in with being a single parent.
So, my day, (not getting any or barely any sleep from the night before - because getting caught up), spend the day with my kid/attempt to get a couple of hours of work in. After dinner, spend it with the boyfriend. Go home and work on the things that I didn't get finished from the night before. - That's my day.
He was good the first meeting. The second meeting, it was ALWAYS about his ex. I actually said, "I'm not her! Quit comparing me to her!"
I don't receive any type of child support for my child. So living off $0, hey! I'm rich! Because of my private insurance rates increasing from like $49 a month to $450 a month, (for two doctor visits a year), to monitor my asthma I went on medicaid. (And my monthly prescription went from $15 to $150 a month) Sorry, if you think that's welfare. If you do, then I was on welfare. I didn't receive a check from the state. I didn't receive anything except for my meds to be paid for.
He wanted me to get at least a part time job, complained about me not sleeping, - all for what?
When do I see my kid? Uh, during the day and I go out after he's asleep. (No, I don't leave him at home alone. Grandma and Grandpa is only down the street so he stays there when I go out.)
Nothing and I do mean nothing was ever good enough for him. Telling me how to parent. Telling me how to live. Telling me how to live my life. It just got worse and worse and worse. (Stupid me, I was in "love") He takes me on ONE date during the course of our ENTIRE relationship. To a concert. And, he'll say it wasn't a date. I say it was. But, all the other times we were together, we went for walks and talked. Okay, whatever, I'm not hard to please. But, don't say you're wasting money on me when, *cough* *cough* I always had to drive to your "parents" house to hang out with you.
I might add, during the course of our relationship, I spent more time with his family than he had with mine. (Spoiler alert - He cursed me out saying he spent time with them. I asked him what my brother's name was. He couldn't answer. I asked him what my parents names were. He couldn't answer.)
So, one day he breaks up with me via text. Okay, he could have been a man and at least called me since I was out of town. Guess who's shoulder he goes to lean on? His "best friend" and my "best friend". He listened to a bunch of rumors from some "friends" (who are no longer my friends), and began to blab to my friends. (But didn't do the grownup/responsible thing and come to me). Hence where the, "she lives off her kid's child support". Came from. Oh! And the fact that I had to give the house back to my ex-husband, I had to move in with my parents for a short period of time. He added, "And she moved back in with her parents. She can't even find a place of her own."
(Isn't it amazing everything you see "after" the fact?)
Here's a little turn table. He ran his own business. When he would fall short on cash, he would borrow from his family.
And, yes, it keeps getting better. "Your finances should have been a sign of how much trouble you're in. Your credit is shot." I laughed! I needed a new car. So what did I do? I drove to the dealership I have a good report with, (long story short), Signed on a brand new car, no money down. Him? He needed a new car. Couldn't get approved. He needed a co-signer. Even on a $5k car, he needed to put money down. Explain to me a score of 750 my credit is shot? Explain to me how I walked in, no money down, signed, and drove off the lot in a brand new $25k car?
I might add, an unexpected expense came in for the month. (It was a blessing at the same time, but didn't think I needed the extra cash right away) I sold my oldest laptop. (To the same dumbass friend who was spreading lies about me) I didn't know it at that time. Another long story short, my boyfriend gives my friend the money. (Behind my back after I told him to stay out of it) My dumbass friend moved away and didn't pay him back. He calls me the user. (If I'm missing something, please let me know) He hasn't returned my jewelry. I've asked for it back, oh, and I'm mentioning this because well, those who have been there, will know. I asked for it back, never got it back. Actually I was told, "get it yourself" from my friends. (Because I'm still out of town) I also get told, "Get it when you get back." Uh, isn't that prolonging the drama? I don't think so. So as far as I'm concerned, I made the last payment on the jewelry months after we were broken up. I know I ain't gonna get my shit back, so now he can't say I took anything from him. (Even though I don't believe I had in the beginning, but oh, well)
I lost my grandmother and not once did he ever say, "go visit her." (She was sick during the time we were together) Never once did he offer to be there for me. Never once did he do anything to show his support. That was until the day she passed away. I couldn't be there for her wake or funeral. So, I vented on facebook. He cursed me out for swearing. I put a post up, "RIP Grandma. Today is not the day to fuck with me." And he comes back with saying to watch my language because his family was on my friends list.
Okay, so we're broken up, and he's blocked me. He goes to all my friends and starts bad mouthing me. The one he was telling was "such a great mother" to, she said, everything you're accusing her of doing, that's me. My friends were pissed that he was talking shit about the privates of our relationship. (At a wake none-the-less) During this time, he was checking out another friend. (who was taken)
He expected me to come crawling back after he treated me the way he did and said all that shit about me. Yeah, nah. Wasn't going to happen. While he had me blocked, I went on with my life. I was finally getting caught up with work. (I couldn't before because if I didn't respond back right away, he accused me of cheating on him)
Well....yup, you guessed it. He unblocked me and we talked. We were "together" without the title. He didn't want anyone knowing he was back with me. (I was just seeing how long it was going to last for) We weren't together but he talked like we were. I told him to stop. We're either together, or we're not. I'm going going to be your dirty little secret. The belittlement got a hell of a lot worse. Constantly bringing up the past. Constantly telling me how bad of a mother I was. Oh, and he said, (brace yourself ladies) "It's impossible to have a miscarriage." Constantly talked about his ex. I was like dude, the future, I'm talking about the future, why are you bringing up the past? It's done, it's over with, move on.
I had to listen to it from my friends. He wouldn't let anything drop! He was beating a dead horse that had already turned into a skeleton. One night, he wouldn't give up. I had, had enough. I blocked him, in every format imaginable.
I'm not going to lie. For a few days afterwards, I wanted to apologize for other reacting. But, I didn't. I had too much pride and self respect. (Yes, I know for "love" you swallow your pride) But, to be mentally abused on a daily basis? Nah, sorry, I walk away from it. (I'm not even going to go into the lies he told his family - it's another book in the works) Any time my friends would mention him (because he was talking to them) I told them I didn't want to hear it. Or I laughed with them. I never asked how he was doing and I never initiated the conversation about him.
So the hours turned into days. The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. Each day I got stronger and valued myself more than the day before. With him out of my life, I was able to see clearly. I accomplished six months of work in a month without being distracted from him. I have never had so much self-respect for myself as I do right now. They stopped mentioning him to me and I never brought him up.
To this day, he's still bad mouthing me. Though, he'll never deny when someone says, "you love her." The funny part, I unblocked him, and he goes and blocks me. HA! Yes, I lost a few friends during this. But I'm not sad. I've learned. I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. That is the best lesson I can learn and I'm not walking away from it.
So, the worst relationship of my life, was the hardest lesson to learn. But I didn't walk away with nothing. Sure, I lost my jewelry. I lost time away from friends and family. But, I learned so much more. I learned to know when to say, enough is enough, and walk away. I learned that no matter how much you prove yourself's worth to someone, they'll never see it. I've learned that no matter what you give up, it'll never be enough. I've learned that during your trying times, you realize who will be there for you.
What was the real eye opener to make me stronger? I suffered from depression (a strong case of it) and turned to people I trusted. (Those I trusted, weren't there for me) I really sat back to think. You know, you get the times of you wished you were with the guy before? Well, it dawned on me. He wouldn't have been there for me. He was never there any other time I needed him before. With something as severe as depression, I knew the horrible things he would have said. And that was when I realized I was glad that I never picked up that phone to call/text him. He would have made things not only worse, but he would have held them over my head.
So, I vowed, to who ever the next lucky bastard would be, I raised the bar so high, I can't even touch it. And, I'm keeping it there. I also learned what happens when I lower my standards. That ain't ever gonna happen again!
Oh, and yes, I did leave out of what he did. (again, saving that for a future book) Hey! He's the one that said, "I hope you're going to write a book about us." And, yes, I sure the Hell am! I swear, a lot of the stuff I write about, I can't make up.
Friday, November 22, 2013
True Love
What is true love?
Everyone has their thoughts or views on it.
What is a soul mate?
Have you found yours? Did you think you found yours at one time?
Do you even believe in any of them?
Over the course of years, I've loved and I've lost that same person I thought I loved. My mistake? I fall too easily. Way too easily. The wrong guys say the right things. Actually, I look past the flaws and see what a person could be. In a way that's my mistake. When the reality is right there in the open.
Times are a lot different now then they were before. Everyone wants to hop in bed right away. Why? Then they cry when they end up pregnant, with a disease, or worse, find out they were being played.
Will finish this in a bit, my OCD is bothering me and I need to fix it.
Okay, it's later and my OCD is okay for the moment being.
Now, back to where we were...ah, yes, love. Our hearts play tricks on us. They really do. They make us see what someone can be and we fall in love with that, and not realizing the things we hate and won't be able to tolerate, be fogged by our perception.
When things happen to me, they happen all at once.
Guy 1 - Was almost everything I could have asked for. Except, well, lets just say, red flags, were red blankets being waved in a hurricane. We'll leave it at that.
Guy 2 - Was nothing I was looking for. I thought, maybe try the complete opposite of what I was looking for. I should have left the first moment I met him. I followed my heart. It got broken. But hey, I learned.
I learned something more important, I learned more about myself. I gained respect for myself. I loved the guy. I know he even loved me. But he liked to listen to people who didn't matter and were only looking at tearing him down because he had what they didn't. I put aside my hopes and dreams to help him with his.
When I actually tore myself away from him, blocking him in every manner possible. It was hard. I wanted to suck up my pride and apologize and beg for mercy. I thought about something. I sucked my pride so much in the short time we were together. He didn't see it.
Anyone who has been here, will completely understand. It took me many years to gain the confidence I have. It took an incredible amount of will power to suck up through all the shit and keep fighting. I wasn't going to allow someone who had negativity surrounding me, to bring deeper than I had ever been. I knew staying with him, that's exactly where I would be.
It's not easy! It takes a lot of power when you say, "I will leave if I'm not happy." To actually doing it. After several weeks of trying to prove myself's worth to him, the negativity was sucking me into a such a downward spiral, I knew if I didn't get out, I wasn't going to make it out alive. I almost didn't. To be with someone who makes you feel like you've never felt, and in the same breath, is the reason for your failure, is hard to see and even harder to escape from.
But I have learned I am a stronger person than I ever thought was possible. So, I cut ALL ties. Out of all the boyfriends I've had. (And trust me, I've had A LOT) He was the worst. Even when I was in high school, my ex's weren't nearly as bad as him. I had heard horror stories of ex's like him. Though, I never had one like him before. Everyone called me lucky. Now, I could see why. The drama that's created after the dissolved relationship, they don't give up.
I'm half a country away from this guy, blocked him from everything, and even put some of my friends on restricted. They have me on restricted. Why? Hmmm, IDK and I personally don't care. (The ones that I know still talk to him) I don't want drama. I have enough of it. I cut it out every chance I get.
The things that mind boggle me the most (and yet are the most laughable), he complains to my friends that I'm nothing but a walking drama series. Hmmmm, okay. My friends laughed. In fact, the only time I really talked to that group of friends, was because of him and what he was doing. (I needed someone to vent to).
His warped sense of reality, (as many of you know I'm an author and I run my own publishing company), was I was only allowed to work during the day and sleep at night. Hmmmm, okay. Taken the above and add the fact I'm a single parent, good luck with sleep. Right? The belittlement was unreal.
(I can go on about the harshness of this relationship but lets continue)
So, chance after chance, I told myself, "if he doesn't quit, I'm gone." One night was just too much. He kept bringing up the past. Saying how I used him. (umm, okay, again) I never asked him for a penny. Oh, and we went out on ONE date during the course of our relationship. So, he didn't quit and I told him goodbye and blocked him.
I cried. After we broke up, I concentrated on the business and my writing, and got so much more accomplished without him bothering me every two second of the day. With him out of my life, things were so much clearer. The respect for myself that I had lost when I was with him, came back stronger than ever. I decided to really concentrate on the business.
Decided to go a different route of getting noticed. Well, I ended up meeting guy 3. Like I said before, I fall fast. Learning from my past, I took things REALLY slow with guy 3. I mean really slow. I wanted to see if he could handle a conversation before we met. We got to know each other better that way. It was very nice.
The one thing I do that scares most off, my stress levels. They can get pretty high. When they do, all I need is someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. I was frustrated one day and sort of took it out on him. (Not meaning to) But, I'm not going to smile and act like everything's okay when it's not. Plus, if the guy can't handle me getting upset, then what's the point? Right? Well, he comforted me. He didn't get upset with me. He didn't throw in towel. He held me as I was breaking down.
Everyone says you can't love more than one person. If you love someone now, you didn't love the ones in the past. That's not true. You fell in love with certain things. Those certain things was what you were looking for at that time that fulfilled your needs. That love made you realize exactly when true love was standing in your face, you would notice. (If you were lucky)
Now, with guy 3, I had been talking to probably a good 10 other guys. I really thought that guy 3 wouldn't go any further than one or two conversations. Guy 3 was really dude 9 out of the 10 other guys. I had high hopes for dude 2 and 5. When in fact, those were the two that didn't to more than 5 conversations. Every time I think that guy 3 is going to lose interest, he does something to show me that I'm his one and only.
What does this mean? It means we fall for the ones we least expect. If we're not paying attention, yes, sorry ladies, your "perfect" guy will be hidden in the "friend zone". Guy 3 wasn't exactly living right down the street either. He was on the other side of the country.
Some people ask, "how do you know?" That's a hard one to answer. Each person is different. I thought I knew with guy 2. I was wrong. We're allowed to be wrong. We're allowed to be wrong on what we think love is. When you say you love someone after a short period of time, and people say, "you're rushing". How would they know? They're not you. Don't let anyone tell you on how you're supposed to feel.
Do I love guy 3? I can't say it. But I do feel strongly about him. (There are still a few more factors I have to see before I can say it) I can see this working and lasting. I can see myself being happy. Not just now, but in the future. Again, people will say, I don't love him because I'm not sure. I didn't say that. I am sure, however, I'm learning from my past.
No matter how bad/bitter/eventful your last breakup was, don't close your heart.
Just be more aware.
Raise the bar and don't lower it.
The right guy will not only touch it, but will walk right over it without flinching.
Don't rush.
If you can't carry a conversation, how are you able to talk to each other if there's a problem?
I will tell you this. Love is when your brain isn't screaming at you. Some wide words were once spoken in high school. Go into a relationship with eyes wide open and when you get married, you have to shut them half way. Meaning, if you can't live with what you see in a relationship, get out. Because when you're married, they're not going to go away. You can't fight over them because why did you marry the person in the first place?
Right now, (and that's all you can do - live in the present), my brain isn't screaming at me. My heart has never been warmer. And, he's fully supportive of what I do. I couldn't ask for a better man.
Don't put pressure on what's going on in the present. If you're happy, only time will tell if everything will work out. So far, I'm happy, and this has been the calmest I've ever been. I see this as a wonderful start to something great.
Now, tomorrow that may change. And if it does, it does. But I walked away with something. I not only walked away with raising that bar a tad bit more, I walked with experiences I had never experienced. That in itself is what life is all about. Loving and cherishing the moments and hope there are more to come.
Everyone has their thoughts or views on it.
What is a soul mate?
Have you found yours? Did you think you found yours at one time?
Do you even believe in any of them?
Over the course of years, I've loved and I've lost that same person I thought I loved. My mistake? I fall too easily. Way too easily. The wrong guys say the right things. Actually, I look past the flaws and see what a person could be. In a way that's my mistake. When the reality is right there in the open.
Times are a lot different now then they were before. Everyone wants to hop in bed right away. Why? Then they cry when they end up pregnant, with a disease, or worse, find out they were being played.
Will finish this in a bit, my OCD is bothering me and I need to fix it.
Okay, it's later and my OCD is okay for the moment being.
Now, back to where we were...ah, yes, love. Our hearts play tricks on us. They really do. They make us see what someone can be and we fall in love with that, and not realizing the things we hate and won't be able to tolerate, be fogged by our perception.
When things happen to me, they happen all at once.
Guy 1 - Was almost everything I could have asked for. Except, well, lets just say, red flags, were red blankets being waved in a hurricane. We'll leave it at that.
Guy 2 - Was nothing I was looking for. I thought, maybe try the complete opposite of what I was looking for. I should have left the first moment I met him. I followed my heart. It got broken. But hey, I learned.
I learned something more important, I learned more about myself. I gained respect for myself. I loved the guy. I know he even loved me. But he liked to listen to people who didn't matter and were only looking at tearing him down because he had what they didn't. I put aside my hopes and dreams to help him with his.
When I actually tore myself away from him, blocking him in every manner possible. It was hard. I wanted to suck up my pride and apologize and beg for mercy. I thought about something. I sucked my pride so much in the short time we were together. He didn't see it.
Anyone who has been here, will completely understand. It took me many years to gain the confidence I have. It took an incredible amount of will power to suck up through all the shit and keep fighting. I wasn't going to allow someone who had negativity surrounding me, to bring deeper than I had ever been. I knew staying with him, that's exactly where I would be.
It's not easy! It takes a lot of power when you say, "I will leave if I'm not happy." To actually doing it. After several weeks of trying to prove myself's worth to him, the negativity was sucking me into a such a downward spiral, I knew if I didn't get out, I wasn't going to make it out alive. I almost didn't. To be with someone who makes you feel like you've never felt, and in the same breath, is the reason for your failure, is hard to see and even harder to escape from.
But I have learned I am a stronger person than I ever thought was possible. So, I cut ALL ties. Out of all the boyfriends I've had. (And trust me, I've had A LOT) He was the worst. Even when I was in high school, my ex's weren't nearly as bad as him. I had heard horror stories of ex's like him. Though, I never had one like him before. Everyone called me lucky. Now, I could see why. The drama that's created after the dissolved relationship, they don't give up.
I'm half a country away from this guy, blocked him from everything, and even put some of my friends on restricted. They have me on restricted. Why? Hmmm, IDK and I personally don't care. (The ones that I know still talk to him) I don't want drama. I have enough of it. I cut it out every chance I get.
The things that mind boggle me the most (and yet are the most laughable), he complains to my friends that I'm nothing but a walking drama series. Hmmmm, okay. My friends laughed. In fact, the only time I really talked to that group of friends, was because of him and what he was doing. (I needed someone to vent to).
His warped sense of reality, (as many of you know I'm an author and I run my own publishing company), was I was only allowed to work during the day and sleep at night. Hmmmm, okay. Taken the above and add the fact I'm a single parent, good luck with sleep. Right? The belittlement was unreal.
(I can go on about the harshness of this relationship but lets continue)
So, chance after chance, I told myself, "if he doesn't quit, I'm gone." One night was just too much. He kept bringing up the past. Saying how I used him. (umm, okay, again) I never asked him for a penny. Oh, and we went out on ONE date during the course of our relationship. So, he didn't quit and I told him goodbye and blocked him.
I cried. After we broke up, I concentrated on the business and my writing, and got so much more accomplished without him bothering me every two second of the day. With him out of my life, things were so much clearer. The respect for myself that I had lost when I was with him, came back stronger than ever. I decided to really concentrate on the business.
Decided to go a different route of getting noticed. Well, I ended up meeting guy 3. Like I said before, I fall fast. Learning from my past, I took things REALLY slow with guy 3. I mean really slow. I wanted to see if he could handle a conversation before we met. We got to know each other better that way. It was very nice.
The one thing I do that scares most off, my stress levels. They can get pretty high. When they do, all I need is someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. I was frustrated one day and sort of took it out on him. (Not meaning to) But, I'm not going to smile and act like everything's okay when it's not. Plus, if the guy can't handle me getting upset, then what's the point? Right? Well, he comforted me. He didn't get upset with me. He didn't throw in towel. He held me as I was breaking down.
Everyone says you can't love more than one person. If you love someone now, you didn't love the ones in the past. That's not true. You fell in love with certain things. Those certain things was what you were looking for at that time that fulfilled your needs. That love made you realize exactly when true love was standing in your face, you would notice. (If you were lucky)
Now, with guy 3, I had been talking to probably a good 10 other guys. I really thought that guy 3 wouldn't go any further than one or two conversations. Guy 3 was really dude 9 out of the 10 other guys. I had high hopes for dude 2 and 5. When in fact, those were the two that didn't to more than 5 conversations. Every time I think that guy 3 is going to lose interest, he does something to show me that I'm his one and only.
What does this mean? It means we fall for the ones we least expect. If we're not paying attention, yes, sorry ladies, your "perfect" guy will be hidden in the "friend zone". Guy 3 wasn't exactly living right down the street either. He was on the other side of the country.
Some people ask, "how do you know?" That's a hard one to answer. Each person is different. I thought I knew with guy 2. I was wrong. We're allowed to be wrong. We're allowed to be wrong on what we think love is. When you say you love someone after a short period of time, and people say, "you're rushing". How would they know? They're not you. Don't let anyone tell you on how you're supposed to feel.
Do I love guy 3? I can't say it. But I do feel strongly about him. (There are still a few more factors I have to see before I can say it) I can see this working and lasting. I can see myself being happy. Not just now, but in the future. Again, people will say, I don't love him because I'm not sure. I didn't say that. I am sure, however, I'm learning from my past.
No matter how bad/bitter/eventful your last breakup was, don't close your heart.
Just be more aware.
Raise the bar and don't lower it.
The right guy will not only touch it, but will walk right over it without flinching.
Don't rush.
If you can't carry a conversation, how are you able to talk to each other if there's a problem?
I will tell you this. Love is when your brain isn't screaming at you. Some wide words were once spoken in high school. Go into a relationship with eyes wide open and when you get married, you have to shut them half way. Meaning, if you can't live with what you see in a relationship, get out. Because when you're married, they're not going to go away. You can't fight over them because why did you marry the person in the first place?
Right now, (and that's all you can do - live in the present), my brain isn't screaming at me. My heart has never been warmer. And, he's fully supportive of what I do. I couldn't ask for a better man.
Don't put pressure on what's going on in the present. If you're happy, only time will tell if everything will work out. So far, I'm happy, and this has been the calmest I've ever been. I see this as a wonderful start to something great.
Now, tomorrow that may change. And if it does, it does. But I walked away with something. I not only walked away with raising that bar a tad bit more, I walked with experiences I had never experienced. That in itself is what life is all about. Loving and cherishing the moments and hope there are more to come.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Friends
Every time I think I'm not good enough, I remind myself it's not that I'm not good enough, it's just that I don't want to be the reasons for anyone's disappointment. I've seen more in life than I've cared to. I once lived in fantasy and didn't want to leave. You've shown me dreams can come true. But all it feels like I've shown you is fantasy is not all what it is.
People will pretend to be your friend. Friends will think they know what's the best for you. Friends will tell you how to live your life.
I've lived through all of that and more.
People who I thought were my friend told me what they would do. So I did it. When it was their turn, they did the exact opposite.
I know people give better advice and don't always take their own. But when they ask you for yours and you said you did what they had said, they come back with, "Yeah, that didn't work out too well for you."
No shit!
People will act like your friend only to keep you around for when it's convenient for them. They don't care what makes you happy. If you're not there when they need you, the remove the part that's interfering with how they live.
Real friends won't hinder what makes you happy. Who cares what they think? Unless it's something major, but someone dated their friend and it didn't work out - I wouldn't call that major. A person who got a speeding ticket. Oh, please. Who hasn't gotten one of those?
I've seen friends get hurt over those they call a "friend".
I life by simple rules. If you haven't given me a reason to trust you, I'm not calling you a friend. If I've known you less than 5 years, most likely you're not in my circle. There are very few I have known for less than five years that are in my circle. Our friendship has been through the ringer and it's still there.
If we can scream at one another and be able to have a drink at the end of the day, you're one of my friends.
If we can not talk for days and when we hear from one another is to see how we're doing and nothing more, you're one of my friends.
If you can talk to me without belittling the guy I'm dating, you're one of my friends.
If you can get a long with my friends, (all of them), you're one of my friends.
If we can be blatantly honest with one another, no matter how much the truth hurts, and still be able to see both sides, you're one of my friends.
If the only time I hear from you is when you need a pity party, you've already been blocked.
If the only time I hear from your mouth is something negative, you've already been ignored.
If the only time you come around is when you need something, I'm not around.
People will know I have no qualms with removing users, abusers, and idiots from my life. Without hesitation. Without second thought.
You are not a friend when you lay a guilt trip saying how I never see you. Get off your ass and come see me.
You are not a friend if I don't hear from you for months, I get a boyfriend and then you turn all righteous. Where have you been for the last few months? So, no, I haven't hung out with you because of my boyfriend, (considering we've only dated for less than a month), I haven't hung out with you in the past six months because I always had to go and see you.
You are not a friend every time you text me and it's to belittle my boyfriend. That's nice he dated your friend. Your friend's a complete jerk. She didn't realize or how to treat a guy. Her loss. Tell her to stop trash talking and get a life of her own.
You are not a friend if you try to use reverse psychology. Not gonna work sweetheart. I aced the test and now hold the degree.
Sorry, the truth does hurt. When you meant for your friend to see me as a bitch, but it backfired. You've shown him that you're nothing but a two timing user.
I don't care about the great times we had as friends. That's in the past. Yes, you may have been there, but if you can't continue to be there, then I don't need you. Friends don't treat friends like dirt.
If I wanted drama, I would allow more people in my life. That's why I have a small circle of friends. I don't want drama and I don't want yours.
I'm not stupid. If the only time you ask me questions, I know you've been talking to a particular person.
I'm not stupid. Don't tell me that they're your best friend if they treat you like shit. Then I know that's how you're going to treat me.
I'm not stupid. I don't care what your problem is. Stop sucking off of it.
I'm tired of people putting their problems and pressures on me. It's simple once I figure it out. I delete the issue from my life. If it happens to be a "friend" so be it. They don't even notice when I'm not there until they need something.
I'm not here to make your life easier. But I do want to say thank you for making me wiser.
Never tell anyone the way they're living their life is wrong. Maybe it works for them. My life may not be fabulous. But it works for me. It may not be the way you could ever life, but it works for me. I would not have learned without the roads I have taken. I would not be where I am without the struggles.
I learned a lot this summer. Sadly, I've learned that no matter how great of a story teller you may be, there's always a lie hidden behind the truth.
Throughout life, I will continue to lose friends. I will continue to gain friends. That's life. Life's not fair and it's not easy.
People will pretend to be your friend. Friends will think they know what's the best for you. Friends will tell you how to live your life.
I've lived through all of that and more.
People who I thought were my friend told me what they would do. So I did it. When it was their turn, they did the exact opposite.
I know people give better advice and don't always take their own. But when they ask you for yours and you said you did what they had said, they come back with, "Yeah, that didn't work out too well for you."
No shit!
People will act like your friend only to keep you around for when it's convenient for them. They don't care what makes you happy. If you're not there when they need you, the remove the part that's interfering with how they live.
Real friends won't hinder what makes you happy. Who cares what they think? Unless it's something major, but someone dated their friend and it didn't work out - I wouldn't call that major. A person who got a speeding ticket. Oh, please. Who hasn't gotten one of those?
I've seen friends get hurt over those they call a "friend".
I life by simple rules. If you haven't given me a reason to trust you, I'm not calling you a friend. If I've known you less than 5 years, most likely you're not in my circle. There are very few I have known for less than five years that are in my circle. Our friendship has been through the ringer and it's still there.
If we can scream at one another and be able to have a drink at the end of the day, you're one of my friends.
If we can not talk for days and when we hear from one another is to see how we're doing and nothing more, you're one of my friends.
If you can talk to me without belittling the guy I'm dating, you're one of my friends.
If you can get a long with my friends, (all of them), you're one of my friends.
If we can be blatantly honest with one another, no matter how much the truth hurts, and still be able to see both sides, you're one of my friends.
If the only time I hear from you is when you need a pity party, you've already been blocked.
If the only time I hear from your mouth is something negative, you've already been ignored.
If the only time you come around is when you need something, I'm not around.
People will know I have no qualms with removing users, abusers, and idiots from my life. Without hesitation. Without second thought.
You are not a friend when you lay a guilt trip saying how I never see you. Get off your ass and come see me.
You are not a friend if I don't hear from you for months, I get a boyfriend and then you turn all righteous. Where have you been for the last few months? So, no, I haven't hung out with you because of my boyfriend, (considering we've only dated for less than a month), I haven't hung out with you in the past six months because I always had to go and see you.
You are not a friend every time you text me and it's to belittle my boyfriend. That's nice he dated your friend. Your friend's a complete jerk. She didn't realize or how to treat a guy. Her loss. Tell her to stop trash talking and get a life of her own.
You are not a friend if you try to use reverse psychology. Not gonna work sweetheart. I aced the test and now hold the degree.
Sorry, the truth does hurt. When you meant for your friend to see me as a bitch, but it backfired. You've shown him that you're nothing but a two timing user.
I don't care about the great times we had as friends. That's in the past. Yes, you may have been there, but if you can't continue to be there, then I don't need you. Friends don't treat friends like dirt.
If I wanted drama, I would allow more people in my life. That's why I have a small circle of friends. I don't want drama and I don't want yours.
I'm not stupid. If the only time you ask me questions, I know you've been talking to a particular person.
I'm not stupid. Don't tell me that they're your best friend if they treat you like shit. Then I know that's how you're going to treat me.
I'm not stupid. I don't care what your problem is. Stop sucking off of it.
I'm tired of people putting their problems and pressures on me. It's simple once I figure it out. I delete the issue from my life. If it happens to be a "friend" so be it. They don't even notice when I'm not there until they need something.
I'm not here to make your life easier. But I do want to say thank you for making me wiser.
Never tell anyone the way they're living their life is wrong. Maybe it works for them. My life may not be fabulous. But it works for me. It may not be the way you could ever life, but it works for me. I would not have learned without the roads I have taken. I would not be where I am without the struggles.
I learned a lot this summer. Sadly, I've learned that no matter how great of a story teller you may be, there's always a lie hidden behind the truth.
Throughout life, I will continue to lose friends. I will continue to gain friends. That's life. Life's not fair and it's not easy.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Freeloaders
Over the last few weeks I learned a lot. I learned if you don't bend over far enough, people will help push you. I also learned that people don't think you're serious until you completely lose it.
Those aren't friends. Those are users and abusers.
I've also learned a lot about myself. Not to mention I learned a lot from others. If I have to defend myself, it's not worth the friendship. If you have to argue with why things are the way they are in your world, it simply means that they are trying to change your point of view to see theirs. And by doing so, it means they want something.
Relationships are the same way. If your significant other is defending someone other than you, run. Do you think they're defending you against others? Yeah, probably not.
So here are some simple rules to my life... (they may change as need be)...
1. It's my life, not yours.
2. Argue with me, I'll close the door.
3. If you need something, get off your ass and get it yourself. I'm not your bitch.
4. If you're always too busy when I need to talk to you (and I mean *always*) then don't worry about me answering my phone when you need me.
5. If I need to vent and I come to you, I trust you. Don't make me regret it.
6. If you get pissed off at me, and then I get pissed at you for doing the same thing you got pissed off at me about, go fuck yourself.
7. My brain does not function properly when it's agitated. Let it calm down.
8. If you defend anyone other than me, against me, that's not cool.
9. Don't like my rules? Think they're unfair? It's my life, not yours.
10. I don't fight for attention when I'm trying to talk to you on the phone. Call me back when you're free.
11. You have to let me go for no reason, that's fine. I'll go lean on someone else and I'll be okay to where I don't want to repeat the story.
12. It's my life, not yours.
13. I don't give second chances.
14. You get one chance.
15. I know we may not see eye to eye. That's okay. I still love you.
16. You value my opinion and I'll value yours.
17. It's my life, not yours.
18. I pay my own bills.
19. You need a ride, rule 1, gas money.
20. You need to borrow something, rule 1, where's the collateral?
Okay, I feel better.
Those aren't friends. Those are users and abusers.
I've also learned a lot about myself. Not to mention I learned a lot from others. If I have to defend myself, it's not worth the friendship. If you have to argue with why things are the way they are in your world, it simply means that they are trying to change your point of view to see theirs. And by doing so, it means they want something.
Relationships are the same way. If your significant other is defending someone other than you, run. Do you think they're defending you against others? Yeah, probably not.
So here are some simple rules to my life... (they may change as need be)...
1. It's my life, not yours.
2. Argue with me, I'll close the door.
3. If you need something, get off your ass and get it yourself. I'm not your bitch.
4. If you're always too busy when I need to talk to you (and I mean *always*) then don't worry about me answering my phone when you need me.
5. If I need to vent and I come to you, I trust you. Don't make me regret it.
6. If you get pissed off at me, and then I get pissed at you for doing the same thing you got pissed off at me about, go fuck yourself.
7. My brain does not function properly when it's agitated. Let it calm down.
8. If you defend anyone other than me, against me, that's not cool.
9. Don't like my rules? Think they're unfair? It's my life, not yours.
10. I don't fight for attention when I'm trying to talk to you on the phone. Call me back when you're free.
11. You have to let me go for no reason, that's fine. I'll go lean on someone else and I'll be okay to where I don't want to repeat the story.
12. It's my life, not yours.
13. I don't give second chances.
14. You get one chance.
15. I know we may not see eye to eye. That's okay. I still love you.
16. You value my opinion and I'll value yours.
17. It's my life, not yours.
18. I pay my own bills.
19. You need a ride, rule 1, gas money.
20. You need to borrow something, rule 1, where's the collateral?
Okay, I feel better.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Life's Lesson's (Trust)
This is a tricky little word. To some it takes years to gain and seconds to destroy. Others, it takes seconds to gain and years to destroy. Depending on the person. I trust everyone until they are given a reason not to trust.
Trust goes the same in any type of relationship. (Friendship, family, significant other)
Lets talk about significant others. (Sort of hashing back on jealousy)
If you are dating someone, a few key points. Don't hide your phone. Don't take calls away from that person. Don't stress, "they're only a friend"...
Yeah, it doesn't work. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, SHOW your significant other the text messages. Let them listen in on the phone conversation. If you have to use the stress phrase, end it with something platonic. "They're only a friend, I've known them for X amount of years. Anything less than a courtship, is not a friendship. Sorry. I'm not going to invite someone into my life after a month and call them my best friend. When you do that, your partner thinks that you'll go running to anyone for companionship.
Never give a person a reason to distrust you. I don't care how much and madly in love the two of you are, if there is doubt, they'll start questioning your motives. Now, they say if there is doubt run. Everyone has doubt. Soldiers who are overseas has to have trust. Normal business people going out of town for business. You have to be the one to console reassurance into your partner. If they don't get that from you, they will find it on the shoulder that is soaking their tears.
The phrase, a real boyfriend will say, "Can you answer that baby." A cheater (I'll discuss that later on) will have their locked and not even allow you to breathe on it. They'll get anxious if you even so much pass by the phone on your way to the bathroom. (Don't believe me, try it)
Here are some hints and tips.
If another person of the opposite gender is telling them they love them. (Make sure it's not a family member) Once you confirm it's not a family member, are they saying it back? Are they ignoring them, when they do say that? Are they bringing you up?
I had a husband to where this girl called me, "How's your lady friend?" She would never refer to me as his wife. I got upset. I believe I had every right to get upset. He however, did tell her to stop. He stopped talking to her for me. What a great husband. (Remind you, he's not my ex - because of the following)
Later on, we had a fight, and he went to another girl to talk to. He lied. She belittled me. Sorry, nine kids all by different guys, and on welfare, you have no right to speak about relationship advice. He talked to other people about us, instead of to me, about us.
Communication is IMPORTANT. (I'll address communication in detail later)
If you're not speaking to your significant other about your problems, or if you notice they're talking to others and NOT to you. Throw your running shoes on and run as fast as you can.
Now, with that in mind, you're just as guilty as they are. You talk to your friends. But, if you don't talk to them first, you have no right to tell your friends. It's none of their business. I'm not going to say it's wrong to talk to your friends about certain things. Sometimes we all need a reality check. Maybe we're making something out of nothing and your friends put you into check, helping ease a fight (or disagreement) even before it begins. I'm not you, use your judgement.
Relationships (I'll go into more detail about that later) your friends, is like the jury. You're the prosecutor. Once a bad thought about your significant other is planted in their heads, any time everyone gets together as a group, they'll be more resistant into allowing them into conversations or taking them seriously. They won't bad mouth you, but they will look at them differently.
Again, respect and trust are two different things. You have to trust the right people to spill your relationship woes to. Yes, single people give the best advice. But that's not ALWAYS the case. You have to know why they are single. If they can't hold a relationship for a long period of time - how do they know what to do. If someone has been through a couple of marriages, you have to know why the marriages failed. If they learned what they had done wrong, or where it had gone wrong, and they are aware, then it's safe to say their opinion has more weight than the one who is single and hasn't had a successful relationship.
Back to the main issue at hand. Now, depending on the length of the relationship.
Early on - Show them texts, let them listen to conversations, or voicemails.
Going into the serious stage, where the L word is used, exchanged passwords.
Going long term and serious to where there is a ring, or talk about moving in, let them answer emails or texts for you.
Engaged/married - everyone by this stage will know who's responding back.
Why? Lets face it, I don't care who you are, an important date is coming up. (I'm not talking anniversary) One will remember it over the other. Or one will question about plans or whatever the case may be. (Fill in the blanks)
Trust is a huge factor. If you hinder any of the following, it's putting doubt into their head. For most people, doubt turns into jealousy, (while it may be cute and all), they'll go crying onto someone else's shoulders and do you think that person wants what's best for you? No. They want to be with the person you "say" you want to be with so much. They'll do the things you didn't and goodbye relationship.
If for whatever reason you have to change your password, tell your significant other. And no, it's not saying they don't have trust in you, if you refuse to allow them to "check" your things. It's telling them that you have something to hide.It's curiosity. It's normal. It makes the brain start to think. Thinking isn't always a good thing and you just can't shut it off. It's what we call the potato chip disease. Once you have one, you have to have more. The same thing applies with trust. If they know you don't have anything to hide, they'll take your word over you having to prove your word.
If you have friends of the opposite sex. Never and I mean never hang out with them, until your partner has met them. I mean come on. "My boyfriend is hanging out with his best friend (which happens to be a girl) that her or him or both, had dated before, had feelings for before, one like other..."
You may trust them, but how well do you trust their "friend"? What if your partner happens to complain about something (unintentional) and they see their chance, (knowing they had lost it since they started dating you), to break the two of you up? They WILL take whatever opportunity they can. There is no ifs ans or butts. They will be that shoulder to cry on. They will be that ear to listen. They will be the arms to comfort.
Some of you can deny that all you like. But remember, it's not about what you see, it's about what your partner sees (or will see). Again, never ever and no it's never okay to use the phrase, "We're only friends." If your partner was friends with (insert their favorite actor/actress), do you think they wouldn't jump at the chance to be with them, if they showed the slightest, remotest, interest? That's how the other party sees it.
Oh, my favorite phrase, "They've been there for me in the past..."
Sorry, but that's nice. If you haven't heard from them and they make excuse after excuse as to not meet your partner. Where were they days/weeks/months ago? They pop up when you start dating or things become serious? There are lots of people that were in your past. It doesn't mean they deserve a spot in your future.
Look for the tell tale signs.
How often are they "there" for you? Is when they're convenient for them? There's a word(s) for that. User, abuser, and insert whatever ones you want.
When did they come back into your life? When you began dating your new partner? No word to be heard from them, until things got serious?
What excuses are they making for not meeting your partner? Sorry, I don't buy the ones who are: too busy, too sick, working too much, whatever, insert an excuse. (I could write a 1500 page book on excuses). They aren't *too* busy 24/7. They aren't working that entire time. If they would rather spend time with other people (their partners or not) than to take five minutes to meet their "best friends" new partner, sorry, that's lame. If they are constantly "sick". Sorry. If they have time to text message your partner, be online, hang out with their other friends, they aren't that "sick".
Now, ask yourself. Did you meet your partner's friends? Did they make time out of their busy lives to see their friends? Now, ask yourself this - how often did you see your partners friends out of the last month? Was it more often than you saw yours? How did they meet? Did they make time to get together? It could have been as simple as stopping into their work to say hi. Or meeting up for coffee.
Five minutes to put your partner's trust at ease, is that worth it than to make excuses for your friends and create hours if not days of tension? Me, personally - I don't make time for those who don't make time for me. Now, you will be the bad person when you want to take your partner and do something, just the two of you. Because their friends will be free.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, there is such a thing called double dating. I know it's old school and all. But it's where two couples go on the same date together.
Don't get made your partner when they want to hang out with their friends who had made time for you. Don't throw the excuse, "Well, my friends were free but you would rather of done this..." Sorry, but fuck yeah! Why do I have to alter my schedule. I don't live for anyone else. And if you do, sorry, move on.
Going back to the friends. They know when your partner is working and can't be there and "has an emergency". What are you going to do? Go to their beckon call? Did you know that most "emergencies" are when that person knows you won't be with your partner and will try to hinder what you have?
These are "Tactics 101".
If you are a real partner, you would decline until your partner could be there to assist.
Oh, and don't play sneaky. Most people won't tolerate it. If the "friend" can't drive, don't pick them up and surprise your partner with a greeting. Because for one, you were talking to them behind their back. Two, you were ALONE with them. (Fine, throw trust into there.) But weren't you the one who BROKE that TRUST when you didn't inform your partner of what was going on?
Meet in a public place to where all parties have their own transportation. If your partner says, "I don't like them." Don't throw the phrase, "You two have a lot in common." Bitch, please. No we don't. Ask something like, "why?" or "what makes you feel that way?" It shows you care about their feelings. If someone doesn't like someone, it's usually for a good reason. Yes, they may see them as a threat. Okay, maybe a few meetings it might take - I'm using that word strong, MIGHT take, a while for your partner to see that they are not a threat. But don't start inviting them over without checking with your partner first.
Most importantly, put yourself in their position. How would you feel? If you would get mad, upset, jealous, not like it, why is wrong that they feel the way that they do?
Trust goes the same in any type of relationship. (Friendship, family, significant other)
Lets talk about significant others. (Sort of hashing back on jealousy)
If you are dating someone, a few key points. Don't hide your phone. Don't take calls away from that person. Don't stress, "they're only a friend"...
Yeah, it doesn't work. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, SHOW your significant other the text messages. Let them listen in on the phone conversation. If you have to use the stress phrase, end it with something platonic. "They're only a friend, I've known them for X amount of years. Anything less than a courtship, is not a friendship. Sorry. I'm not going to invite someone into my life after a month and call them my best friend. When you do that, your partner thinks that you'll go running to anyone for companionship.
Never give a person a reason to distrust you. I don't care how much and madly in love the two of you are, if there is doubt, they'll start questioning your motives. Now, they say if there is doubt run. Everyone has doubt. Soldiers who are overseas has to have trust. Normal business people going out of town for business. You have to be the one to console reassurance into your partner. If they don't get that from you, they will find it on the shoulder that is soaking their tears.
The phrase, a real boyfriend will say, "Can you answer that baby." A cheater (I'll discuss that later on) will have their locked and not even allow you to breathe on it. They'll get anxious if you even so much pass by the phone on your way to the bathroom. (Don't believe me, try it)
Here are some hints and tips.
If another person of the opposite gender is telling them they love them. (Make sure it's not a family member) Once you confirm it's not a family member, are they saying it back? Are they ignoring them, when they do say that? Are they bringing you up?
I had a husband to where this girl called me, "How's your lady friend?" She would never refer to me as his wife. I got upset. I believe I had every right to get upset. He however, did tell her to stop. He stopped talking to her for me. What a great husband. (Remind you, he's not my ex - because of the following)
Later on, we had a fight, and he went to another girl to talk to. He lied. She belittled me. Sorry, nine kids all by different guys, and on welfare, you have no right to speak about relationship advice. He talked to other people about us, instead of to me, about us.
Communication is IMPORTANT. (I'll address communication in detail later)
If you're not speaking to your significant other about your problems, or if you notice they're talking to others and NOT to you. Throw your running shoes on and run as fast as you can.
Now, with that in mind, you're just as guilty as they are. You talk to your friends. But, if you don't talk to them first, you have no right to tell your friends. It's none of their business. I'm not going to say it's wrong to talk to your friends about certain things. Sometimes we all need a reality check. Maybe we're making something out of nothing and your friends put you into check, helping ease a fight (or disagreement) even before it begins. I'm not you, use your judgement.
Relationships (I'll go into more detail about that later) your friends, is like the jury. You're the prosecutor. Once a bad thought about your significant other is planted in their heads, any time everyone gets together as a group, they'll be more resistant into allowing them into conversations or taking them seriously. They won't bad mouth you, but they will look at them differently.
Again, respect and trust are two different things. You have to trust the right people to spill your relationship woes to. Yes, single people give the best advice. But that's not ALWAYS the case. You have to know why they are single. If they can't hold a relationship for a long period of time - how do they know what to do. If someone has been through a couple of marriages, you have to know why the marriages failed. If they learned what they had done wrong, or where it had gone wrong, and they are aware, then it's safe to say their opinion has more weight than the one who is single and hasn't had a successful relationship.
Back to the main issue at hand. Now, depending on the length of the relationship.
Early on - Show them texts, let them listen to conversations, or voicemails.
Going into the serious stage, where the L word is used, exchanged passwords.
Going long term and serious to where there is a ring, or talk about moving in, let them answer emails or texts for you.
Engaged/married - everyone by this stage will know who's responding back.
Why? Lets face it, I don't care who you are, an important date is coming up. (I'm not talking anniversary) One will remember it over the other. Or one will question about plans or whatever the case may be. (Fill in the blanks)
Trust is a huge factor. If you hinder any of the following, it's putting doubt into their head. For most people, doubt turns into jealousy, (while it may be cute and all), they'll go crying onto someone else's shoulders and do you think that person wants what's best for you? No. They want to be with the person you "say" you want to be with so much. They'll do the things you didn't and goodbye relationship.
If for whatever reason you have to change your password, tell your significant other. And no, it's not saying they don't have trust in you, if you refuse to allow them to "check" your things. It's telling them that you have something to hide.It's curiosity. It's normal. It makes the brain start to think. Thinking isn't always a good thing and you just can't shut it off. It's what we call the potato chip disease. Once you have one, you have to have more. The same thing applies with trust. If they know you don't have anything to hide, they'll take your word over you having to prove your word.
If you have friends of the opposite sex. Never and I mean never hang out with them, until your partner has met them. I mean come on. "My boyfriend is hanging out with his best friend (which happens to be a girl) that her or him or both, had dated before, had feelings for before, one like other..."
You may trust them, but how well do you trust their "friend"? What if your partner happens to complain about something (unintentional) and they see their chance, (knowing they had lost it since they started dating you), to break the two of you up? They WILL take whatever opportunity they can. There is no ifs ans or butts. They will be that shoulder to cry on. They will be that ear to listen. They will be the arms to comfort.
Some of you can deny that all you like. But remember, it's not about what you see, it's about what your partner sees (or will see). Again, never ever and no it's never okay to use the phrase, "We're only friends." If your partner was friends with (insert their favorite actor/actress), do you think they wouldn't jump at the chance to be with them, if they showed the slightest, remotest, interest? That's how the other party sees it.
Oh, my favorite phrase, "They've been there for me in the past..."
Sorry, but that's nice. If you haven't heard from them and they make excuse after excuse as to not meet your partner. Where were they days/weeks/months ago? They pop up when you start dating or things become serious? There are lots of people that were in your past. It doesn't mean they deserve a spot in your future.
Look for the tell tale signs.
How often are they "there" for you? Is when they're convenient for them? There's a word(s) for that. User, abuser, and insert whatever ones you want.
When did they come back into your life? When you began dating your new partner? No word to be heard from them, until things got serious?
What excuses are they making for not meeting your partner? Sorry, I don't buy the ones who are: too busy, too sick, working too much, whatever, insert an excuse. (I could write a 1500 page book on excuses). They aren't *too* busy 24/7. They aren't working that entire time. If they would rather spend time with other people (their partners or not) than to take five minutes to meet their "best friends" new partner, sorry, that's lame. If they are constantly "sick". Sorry. If they have time to text message your partner, be online, hang out with their other friends, they aren't that "sick".
Now, ask yourself. Did you meet your partner's friends? Did they make time out of their busy lives to see their friends? Now, ask yourself this - how often did you see your partners friends out of the last month? Was it more often than you saw yours? How did they meet? Did they make time to get together? It could have been as simple as stopping into their work to say hi. Or meeting up for coffee.
Five minutes to put your partner's trust at ease, is that worth it than to make excuses for your friends and create hours if not days of tension? Me, personally - I don't make time for those who don't make time for me. Now, you will be the bad person when you want to take your partner and do something, just the two of you. Because their friends will be free.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, there is such a thing called double dating. I know it's old school and all. But it's where two couples go on the same date together.
Don't get made your partner when they want to hang out with their friends who had made time for you. Don't throw the excuse, "Well, my friends were free but you would rather of done this..." Sorry, but fuck yeah! Why do I have to alter my schedule. I don't live for anyone else. And if you do, sorry, move on.
Going back to the friends. They know when your partner is working and can't be there and "has an emergency". What are you going to do? Go to their beckon call? Did you know that most "emergencies" are when that person knows you won't be with your partner and will try to hinder what you have?
These are "Tactics 101".
If you are a real partner, you would decline until your partner could be there to assist.
Oh, and don't play sneaky. Most people won't tolerate it. If the "friend" can't drive, don't pick them up and surprise your partner with a greeting. Because for one, you were talking to them behind their back. Two, you were ALONE with them. (Fine, throw trust into there.) But weren't you the one who BROKE that TRUST when you didn't inform your partner of what was going on?
Meet in a public place to where all parties have their own transportation. If your partner says, "I don't like them." Don't throw the phrase, "You two have a lot in common." Bitch, please. No we don't. Ask something like, "why?" or "what makes you feel that way?" It shows you care about their feelings. If someone doesn't like someone, it's usually for a good reason. Yes, they may see them as a threat. Okay, maybe a few meetings it might take - I'm using that word strong, MIGHT take, a while for your partner to see that they are not a threat. But don't start inviting them over without checking with your partner first.
Most importantly, put yourself in their position. How would you feel? If you would get mad, upset, jealous, not like it, why is wrong that they feel the way that they do?
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Life's lessons (Jealousy)
Jealousy is something I said I would never do - again.
I was wrong. It lead to hate and not being able to trust someone. Words are just words. Actions prove everything. I prove who I am by the way I write. I prove who I am by the way I speak. I prove who I am by the things I do.
Never be jealous of someone in another's life. If they choose to be with them, as heavy as that door is, open it without regret. Let them walk out. And lock that mother fucker as fast as you can.
I wasted three years on empty promises. I wasted three years on empty words. I wasted over a decade on people who didn't deserve to have the time wasted on. It did not go unnoticed. I learned an important lesson.
People will hate you for all reasons. Being a writer people will hate you because they expect you to make more and support them. Being a writer, people believe they can piggy back off of you. Being a writer, if you weren't there when you were a nobody. Don't expect to be there when they are a someone.
We stress what we say. We even repeat ourselves. In the end - we will be, "Do whatever you want." But remember this ending..."Don't expect us to be there, waiting."
If you value us, cherish us, love us, then don't do anything that is going to make us regret having you in our life.
You can think that's wrong of us, and we personally don't care. It is who we are. Stand by us and laugh in the darkness, or leave. But don't expect to return. It's as easy and simple as that.
We will only fight for so long. When we're fighting longer than it takes for us to complete a manuscript, (for me it's a week, so good luck), we can have our protagonist look better than how you ever treated us. We have no issues with walking away. We have real friends who will stand by our side, making us feel wanted. Every time you try to have us compete for your attention, there is someone else competing for ours.
There is a reason of why my nickname was, "flavor of the week". I had guys lining up for the chance to be with me. They were waiting for the current one to mess up to be there to be the shoulder I cry on. You know what? And you guessed it, I am human and I went and cried on their shoulder. Why would I be with someone who ignores me when I have someone who is willing to be there to listen?
They say a little jealousy is a good thing. To a degree. If you have to continuously fight over the same thing, the same person, day in and day out, remove the common denominator. If the person refuses to remove the common denominator, then walk away and never look back.
A person will show how much they care about you by being there for you. By doing whatever it takes to keep you in their life. If they are making excuses as to why someone should stay, it should make you wonder what they are saying about you.
Yes, it goes on with trust. (Which, I'll talk about in another post). But, if you can't calm a persons fears, they're only going to grow. I have realized that jealousy, fuck that shit, I don't have time for it.
Jealousy and a writer go hand in hand. If you aren't (weren't) there from the start of our writing career, we don't care who you are. You are a nobody. Point blank. We did not get to where we are because of you and we will not get any further because of you. We see you as an anchor that we don't need in our life. Sad but true.
The writing process is long and tedious. We spend many hours in front of our computer. We spend many hours fighting writers block. If someone else is going to come and take your attention, in all honesty, we're not going to notice. And most important - we're not going to care. The people who know how we are, are going to be there regardless.
Our brains go faster than most. Most think of only one way of how something will go. We think of ALL the possibilities. We devise plans and have multiple paths to reach various conclusions. If you don't calm all the conclusions, our mind is still going to be going at the speed of light.
Dating a writer is not easy. It's an uphill battle. Being with us is an adventure on its own. If you can't handle the storm, stay out of the rain. We don't want anyone who isn't there willing to defend us till the end of time.
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