The Ex (we all have one)

Admit it, we all have one. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have gone through so many and not have like so many have had.

You know, the ones that stalk the crap outta you and won't leave you alone? I never had an ex like that before. Once our relationship was done, so was everything else. Now, a few after several passing years, we became friends, again. But not very often did that happen.

My ex takes the cake. I'v been married twice before and both times divorced, a reject from down under in between the two marriages, (not to count all the rejects before my first husband), and my current ex takes the cake of being worse than all of them put together. Now, you're thinking, well then they weren't that bad. *Laughs* Oh, yeah! They were! Ask anyone who knows me, they've met a few of them and they'll tell you, the last one made the others look like Angels. (literally)

Lets back up to when we were together. (remind you, he's 30+ years old, NEVER lived out on his own and no kids) I'll go into deeper explanation later...

Over the age of 30 and still lived at home.
Didn't find out until later that his car was his sister's. (Because I did most of the driving)
Constantly bragging (and not in a good way) about his ex.
[Okay, that's was the middle now onto the end of the relationship]
Took me on one date.
I run two businesses. He said, "Aren't you going to get at least a part time job?"
On more than one occasion said, "You have to sleep at night."
And this, "When do you see your kid?"
And this, "You're not a responsible parent."
And this, "You're parenting wrong."
And this, "Your son doesn't listen."
And this, "You're lazy. You don't do anything."
And this, "All you do is complain."
And this, "It's in the past, (referring to my son's biological father), get over it."
This is what he said to my friends, "She's a selfish bitch. She's living off her kid's child support."
And this, "She lied about everything. Now, (points to my friend) you're a great parent."
And this, "She's always on her phone."
And this, "She's living off welfare."
And this, "She doesn't really own a publishing company."
And this, "My ex always wanted to go out and spend money on her." (first meeting to my friends, he complains about his ex)
And this, "That's all she ever asked for (money). Her financials should have been a red flag."
And this, "She's nothing but drama."

Okay, you get the drift. If you know a writer, or are a writer yourself, you know the hours put into writing a book. Well, then throw in running a publishing company and a subsidiary company. Congrats, you have my life - mixed in with being a single parent.

So, my day, (not getting any or barely any sleep from the night before - because getting caught up), spend the day with my kid/attempt to get a couple of hours of work in. After dinner, spend it with the boyfriend. Go home and work on the things that I didn't get finished from the night before. - That's my day.

He was good the first meeting. The second meeting, it was ALWAYS about his ex. I actually said, "I'm not her! Quit comparing me to her!"

I don't receive any type of child support for my child. So living off $0, hey! I'm rich! Because of my private insurance rates increasing from like $49 a month to $450 a month, (for two doctor visits a year), to monitor my asthma I went on medicaid. (And my monthly prescription went from $15 to $150 a month) Sorry, if you think that's welfare. If you do, then I was on welfare. I didn't receive a check from the state. I didn't receive anything except for my meds to be paid for.

He wanted me to get at least a part time job, complained about me not sleeping, - all for what?
When do I see my kid? Uh, during the day and I go out after he's asleep. (No, I don't leave him at home alone. Grandma and Grandpa is only down the street so he stays there when I go out.)

Nothing and I do mean nothing was ever good enough for him. Telling me how to parent. Telling me how to live. Telling me how to live my life. It just got worse and worse and worse. (Stupid me, I was in "love") He takes me on ONE date during the course of our ENTIRE relationship. To a concert. And, he'll say it wasn't a date. I say it was. But, all the other times we were together, we went for walks and talked. Okay, whatever, I'm not hard to please. But, don't say you're wasting money on me when, *cough* *cough* I always had to drive to your "parents" house to hang out with you.

I might add, during the course of our relationship, I spent more time with his family than he had with mine. (Spoiler alert - He cursed me out saying he spent time with them. I asked him what my brother's name was. He couldn't answer. I asked him what my parents names were. He couldn't answer.)

So, one day he breaks up with me via text. Okay, he could have been a man and at least called me since I was out of town. Guess who's shoulder he goes to lean on? His "best friend" and my "best friend". He listened to a bunch of rumors from some "friends" (who are no longer my friends), and began to blab to my friends. (But didn't do the grownup/responsible thing and come to me). Hence where the, "she lives off her kid's child support". Came from. Oh! And the fact that I had to give the house back to my ex-husband, I had to move in with my parents for a short period of time. He added, "And she moved back in with her parents. She can't even find a place of her own."

(Isn't it amazing everything you see "after" the fact?)

Here's a little turn table. He ran his own business. When he would fall short on cash, he would borrow from his family.

And, yes, it keeps getting better. "Your finances should have been a sign of how much trouble you're in. Your credit is shot." I laughed! I needed a new car. So what did I do? I drove to the dealership I have a good report with, (long story short), Signed on a brand new car, no money down. Him? He needed a new car. Couldn't get approved. He needed a co-signer. Even on a $5k car, he needed to put money down. Explain to me a score of 750 my credit is shot? Explain to me how I walked in, no money down, signed, and drove off the lot in a brand new $25k car?

I might add, an unexpected expense came in for the month. (It was a blessing at the same time, but didn't think I needed the extra cash right away) I sold my oldest laptop. (To the same dumbass friend who was spreading lies about me) I didn't know it at that time. Another long story short, my boyfriend gives my friend the money. (Behind my back after I told him to stay out of it) My dumbass friend moved away and didn't pay him back. He calls me the user. (If I'm missing something, please let me know) He hasn't returned my jewelry. I've asked for it back, oh, and I'm mentioning this because well, those who have been there, will know. I asked for it back, never got it back. Actually I was told, "get it yourself" from my friends. (Because I'm still out of town) I also get told, "Get it when you get back." Uh, isn't that prolonging the drama? I don't think so. So as far as I'm concerned, I made the last payment on the jewelry months after we were broken up. I know I ain't gonna get my shit back, so now he can't say I took anything from him. (Even though I don't believe I had in the beginning, but oh, well)

I lost my grandmother and not once did he ever say, "go visit her." (She was sick during the time we were together) Never once did he offer to be there for me. Never once did he do anything to show his support. That was until the day she passed away. I couldn't be there for her wake or funeral. So, I vented on facebook. He cursed me out for swearing. I put a post up, "RIP Grandma. Today is not the day to fuck with me." And he comes back with saying to watch my language because his family was on my friends list.

Okay, so we're broken up, and he's blocked me. He goes to all my friends and starts bad mouthing me. The one he was telling was "such a great mother" to, she said, everything you're accusing her of doing, that's me. My friends were pissed that he was talking shit about the privates of our relationship. (At a wake none-the-less) During this time, he was checking out another friend. (who was taken)

He expected me to come crawling back after he treated me the way he did and said all that shit about me. Yeah, nah. Wasn't going to happen. While he had me blocked, I went on with my life. I was finally getting caught up with work. (I couldn't before because if I didn't respond back right away, he accused me of cheating on him)

Well....yup, you guessed it. He unblocked me and we talked. We were "together" without the title. He didn't want anyone knowing he was back with me. (I was just seeing how long it was going to last for) We weren't together but he talked like we were. I told him to stop. We're either together, or we're not. I'm going going to be your dirty little secret. The belittlement got a hell of a lot worse. Constantly bringing up the past. Constantly telling me how bad of a mother I was. Oh, and he said, (brace yourself ladies) "It's impossible to have a miscarriage." Constantly talked about his ex. I was like dude, the future, I'm talking about the future, why are you bringing up the past? It's done, it's over with, move on.

I had to listen to it from my friends. He wouldn't let anything drop! He was beating a dead horse that had already turned into a skeleton. One night, he wouldn't give up. I had, had enough. I blocked him, in every format imaginable.

I'm not going to lie. For a few days afterwards, I wanted to apologize for other reacting. But, I didn't. I had too much pride and self respect. (Yes, I know for "love" you swallow your pride) But, to be mentally abused on a daily basis? Nah, sorry, I walk away from it. (I'm not even going to go into the lies he told his family - it's another book in the works) Any time my friends would mention him (because he was talking to them) I told them I didn't want to hear it. Or I laughed with them. I never asked how he was doing and I never initiated the conversation about him.

So the hours turned into days. The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. Each day I got stronger and valued myself more than the day before. With him out of my life, I was able to see clearly. I accomplished six months of work in a month without being distracted from him. I have never had so much self-respect for myself as I do right now. They stopped mentioning him to me and I never brought him up.

To this day, he's still bad mouthing me. Though, he'll never deny when someone says, "you love her." The funny part, I unblocked him, and he goes and blocks me. HA! Yes, I lost a few friends during this. But I'm not sad. I've learned. I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. That is the best lesson I can learn and I'm not walking away from it.

So, the worst relationship of my life, was the hardest lesson to learn. But I didn't walk away with nothing. Sure, I lost my jewelry. I lost time away from friends and family. But, I learned so much more. I learned to know when to say, enough is enough, and walk away. I learned that no matter how much you prove yourself's worth to someone, they'll never see it. I've learned that no matter what you give up, it'll never be enough. I've learned that during your trying times, you realize who will be there for you.

What was the real eye opener to make me stronger? I suffered from depression (a strong case of it) and turned to people I trusted. (Those I trusted, weren't there for me) I really sat back to think. You know, you get the times of you wished you were with the guy before? Well, it dawned on me. He wouldn't have been there for me. He was never there any other time I needed him before. With something as severe as depression, I knew the horrible things he would have said. And that was when I realized I was glad that I never picked up that phone to call/text him. He would have made things not only worse, but he would have held them over my head.

So, I vowed, to who ever the next lucky bastard would be, I raised the bar so high, I can't even touch it. And, I'm keeping it there. I also learned what happens when I lower my standards. That ain't ever gonna happen again!

Oh, and yes, I did leave out of what he did. (again, saving that for a future book) Hey! He's the one that said, "I hope you're going to write a book about us." And, yes, I sure the Hell am! I swear, a lot of the stuff I write about, I can't make up.

True Love

What is true love?
Everyone has their thoughts or views on it.

What is a soul mate?
Have you found yours? Did you think you found yours at one time?

Do you even believe in any of them?

Over the course of years, I've loved and I've lost that same person I thought I loved. My mistake? I fall too easily. Way too easily. The wrong guys say the right things. Actually, I look past the flaws and see what a person could be. In a way that's my mistake. When the reality is right there in the open.

Times are a lot different now then they were before. Everyone wants to hop in bed right away. Why? Then they cry when they end up pregnant, with a disease, or worse, find out they were being played.

Will finish this in a bit, my OCD is bothering me and I need to fix it.

Okay, it's later and my OCD is okay for the moment being.

Now, back to where we were...ah, yes, love. Our hearts play tricks on us. They really do. They make us see what someone can be and we fall in love with that, and not realizing the things we hate and won't be able to tolerate, be fogged by our perception.

When things happen to me, they happen all at once.
Guy 1 - Was almost everything I could have asked for. Except, well, lets just say, red flags, were red blankets being waved in a hurricane. We'll leave it at that.
Guy 2 - Was nothing I was looking for. I thought, maybe try the complete opposite of what I was looking for. I should have left the first moment I met him. I followed my heart. It got broken. But hey, I learned.

I learned something more important, I learned more about myself. I gained respect for myself. I loved the guy. I know he even loved me. But he liked to listen to people who didn't matter and were only looking at tearing him down because he had what they didn't. I put aside my hopes and dreams to help him with his.

When I actually tore myself away from him, blocking him in every manner possible. It was hard. I wanted to suck up my pride and apologize and beg for mercy. I thought about something. I sucked my pride so much in the short time we were together. He didn't see it.

Anyone who has been here, will completely understand. It took me many years to gain the confidence I have. It took an incredible amount of will power to suck up through all the shit and keep fighting. I wasn't going to allow someone who had negativity surrounding me, to bring deeper than I had ever been. I knew staying with him, that's exactly where I would be.

It's not easy! It takes a lot of power when you say, "I will leave if I'm not happy." To actually doing it. After several weeks of trying to prove myself's worth to him, the negativity was sucking me into a such a downward spiral, I knew if I didn't get out, I wasn't going to make it out alive. I almost didn't. To be with someone who makes you feel like you've never felt, and in the same breath, is the reason for your failure, is hard to see and even harder to escape from.

But I have learned I am a stronger person than I ever thought was possible. So, I cut ALL ties. Out of all the boyfriends I've had. (And trust me, I've had A LOT) He was the worst. Even when I was in high school, my ex's weren't nearly as bad as him. I had heard horror stories of ex's like him. Though, I never had one like him before. Everyone called me lucky. Now, I could see why. The drama that's created after the dissolved relationship, they don't give up.

I'm half a country away from this guy, blocked him from everything, and even put some of my friends on restricted. They have me on restricted. Why? Hmmm, IDK and I personally don't care. (The ones that I know still talk to him) I don't want drama. I have enough of it. I cut it out every chance I get.

The things that mind boggle me the most (and yet are the most laughable), he complains to my friends that I'm nothing but a walking drama series. Hmmmm, okay. My friends laughed. In fact, the only time I really talked to that group of friends, was because of him and what he was doing. (I needed someone to vent to).

His warped sense of reality, (as many of you know I'm an author and I run my own publishing company), was I was only allowed to work during the day and sleep at night. Hmmmm, okay. Taken the above and add the fact I'm a single parent, good luck with sleep. Right? The belittlement was unreal.

(I can go on about the harshness of this relationship but lets continue)

So, chance after chance, I told myself, "if he doesn't quit, I'm gone." One night was just too much. He kept bringing up the past. Saying how I used him. (umm, okay, again) I never asked him for a penny. Oh, and we went out on ONE date during the course of our relationship. So, he didn't quit and I told him goodbye and blocked him.

I cried. After we broke up, I concentrated on the business and my writing, and got so much more accomplished without him bothering me every two second of the day. With him out of my life, things were so much clearer. The respect for myself that I had lost when I was with him, came back stronger than ever. I decided to really concentrate on the business.

Decided to go a different route of getting noticed. Well, I ended up meeting guy 3. Like I said before, I fall fast. Learning from my past, I took things REALLY slow with guy 3. I mean really slow. I wanted to see if he could handle a conversation before we met. We got to know each other better that way. It was very nice.

The one thing I do that scares most off, my stress levels. They can get pretty high. When they do, all I need is someone to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. I was frustrated one day and sort of took it out on him. (Not meaning to) But, I'm not going to smile and act like everything's okay when it's not. Plus, if the guy can't handle me getting upset, then what's the point? Right? Well, he comforted me. He didn't get upset with me. He didn't throw in towel. He held me as I was breaking down.

Everyone says you can't love more than one person. If you love someone now, you didn't love the ones in the past. That's not true. You fell in love with certain things. Those certain things was what you were looking for at that time that fulfilled your needs. That love made you realize exactly when true love was standing in your face, you would notice. (If you were lucky)

Now, with guy 3, I had been talking to probably a good 10 other guys. I really thought that guy 3 wouldn't go any further than one or two conversations. Guy 3 was really dude 9 out of the 10 other guys. I had high hopes for dude 2 and 5. When in fact, those were the two that didn't to more than 5 conversations. Every time I think that guy 3 is going to lose interest, he does something to show me that I'm his one and only.

What does this mean? It means we fall for the ones we least expect. If we're not paying attention, yes, sorry ladies, your "perfect" guy will be hidden in the "friend zone". Guy 3 wasn't exactly living right down the street either. He was on the other side of the country.

Some people ask, "how do you know?" That's a hard one to answer. Each person is different. I thought I knew with guy 2. I was wrong. We're allowed to be wrong. We're allowed to be wrong on what we think love is. When you say you love someone after a short period of time, and people say, "you're rushing". How would they know? They're not you. Don't let anyone tell you on how you're supposed to feel.

Do I love guy 3? I can't say it. But I do feel strongly about him. (There are still a few more factors I have to see before I can say it) I can see this working and lasting. I can see myself being happy. Not just now, but in the future. Again, people will say, I don't love him because I'm not sure. I didn't say that. I am sure, however, I'm learning from my past.

No matter how bad/bitter/eventful your last breakup was, don't close your heart.
Just be more aware.
Raise the bar and don't lower it.
The right guy will not only touch it, but will walk right over it without flinching.
Don't rush.
If you can't carry a conversation, how are you able to talk to each other if there's a problem?

I will tell you this. Love is when your brain isn't screaming at you. Some wide words were once spoken in high school. Go into a relationship with eyes wide open and when you get married, you have to shut them half way. Meaning, if you can't live with what you see in a relationship, get out. Because when you're married, they're not going to go away. You can't fight over them because why did you marry the person in the first place?

Right now, (and that's all you can do - live in the present), my brain isn't screaming at me. My heart has never been warmer. And, he's fully supportive of what I do. I couldn't ask for a better man.

Don't put pressure on what's going on in the present. If you're happy, only time will tell if everything will work out. So far, I'm happy, and this has been the calmest I've ever been. I see this as a wonderful start to something great.

Now, tomorrow that may change. And if it does, it does. But I walked away with something. I not only walked away with raising that bar a tad bit more, I walked with experiences I had never experienced. That in itself is what life is all about. Loving and cherishing the moments and hope there are more to come.